One day he just left. He came home with his usual bag of dirty clothes. Two days later he packed up more clothes than normal and left. I guess he told Mom he was moving out but I don't remember if he said anything to any of us or even if she did.
It was like magic. One day everyone was living in fear the next we weren't. I wrote in my book a few more times just to vent but then put it away. I had a big box of "treasures" in my closet and put the book under the lining still fearing the judgement of others.
It was in a way anticlimactic. I'm not sure what I expected but I thought I would have felt better.
A few weeks later the strangest thing happened. I hear my folks fighting. It was supposed to be a thing of the past but here they were standing on the front porch arguing. The strangest part was after a little listening I could tell my mother was standing up to him. I mean putting her foot down, fearlessly standing up to him. He had decided he was moving back home. She told him he wasn't welcome back and would have to find someplace else to go. He left again just like that. Without pushing or punching he just left!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I Believe in God
I believe in God. I have prayed since I was a little child.
When I was very young I would ask God to make him stop. I eventually decided God wouldn't make it stop because God wasn't making it happen. This kind of thing had to be Satan at his worst. Since God had no hand in making it happen then how could He have stopped it?
My prayers were often misguided. I didn't know what to ask for so I often asked for the wrong things. If I had known what to ask for or maybe if I had known how to make things better He could have helped me! How does a child find out what to ask for? For a long while I felt betrayed by God. I kept praying though.
I have heard it said that God will only give you what you can handle. Does that apply to Satan as well? I mean will God let Satan give us more than we can handle or is that where God steps in and makes things better. How would God determine when to step in?
Over time I discovered I was wrong. People do evil things because they choose to do evil things. God gave all of us agency. It isn't His fault when agency is abused. In the end though God can make anything happen.
When I was very young I would ask God to make him stop. I eventually decided God wouldn't make it stop because God wasn't making it happen. This kind of thing had to be Satan at his worst. Since God had no hand in making it happen then how could He have stopped it?
My prayers were often misguided. I didn't know what to ask for so I often asked for the wrong things. If I had known what to ask for or maybe if I had known how to make things better He could have helped me! How does a child find out what to ask for? For a long while I felt betrayed by God. I kept praying though.
I have heard it said that God will only give you what you can handle. Does that apply to Satan as well? I mean will God let Satan give us more than we can handle or is that where God steps in and makes things better. How would God determine when to step in?
Over time I discovered I was wrong. People do evil things because they choose to do evil things. God gave all of us agency. It isn't His fault when agency is abused. In the end though God can make anything happen.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Immersed
I quit writing for a time. Like the notebook I had to put it down for a while. As I wrote I became so immersed in the pain of the past I had to take a break...
I have started a few more posts but none of them are ready yet. I just wanted to post something to motivate myself to finish and move on to the next chapter of my life!
I have started a few more posts but none of them are ready yet. I just wanted to post something to motivate myself to finish and move on to the next chapter of my life!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
More Like a Visitor
In time it was more like he visited on the weekends. I felt more relaxed during the week. It was almost as if I knew he would just show up Thursday or Friday night and be gone again by Sunday afternoon. It didn't always work out that way but it happened that way more often than not. Sometimes he was even gone by Friday or Saturday evening. I prayed for short and uneventful weekends.
These weeks were still marred by the uncertainty. Everyone kept on guard knowing he could pop in at any time.We were good at warning each other. While he was there we never knew if he would freak out or be almost pleasant. Not kidding about the pleasant part. I suspect he had a kinky girlfriend or two. We didn't know what kind of pain he might cause inflict. Sometimes it was emotional pain but I sometimes wonder if emotional pain wasn't the worst kind since a bruise would heal more quickly.
We all had routines for when he was back. We stayed in our rooms or went to friends houses to hide, I mean hang out. I made sure I did my chores and anything else that needed to be done to avoid his wrath, to be seen as busy and maybe in a good light. He had a way of picking at how we were doing things. He would say, "That's the wrong way to do it" or "you could be doing a better job if..." The worst part would be if there was something that needed to be done and we were hiding out instead. Then we were all in for it.
Our lives at this point for the most part were separate but connected in a way that was miserable for everyone involved but him. I think he was still getting some kind of sick and twisted pleasure by keeping us all miserable, fearful and sad. Maybe he didn't see the scope of his actions.
These weeks were still marred by the uncertainty. Everyone kept on guard knowing he could pop in at any time.We were good at warning each other. While he was there we never knew if he would freak out or be almost pleasant. Not kidding about the pleasant part. I suspect he had a kinky girlfriend or two. We didn't know what kind of pain he might cause inflict. Sometimes it was emotional pain but I sometimes wonder if emotional pain wasn't the worst kind since a bruise would heal more quickly.
We all had routines for when he was back. We stayed in our rooms or went to friends houses to hide, I mean hang out. I made sure I did my chores and anything else that needed to be done to avoid his wrath, to be seen as busy and maybe in a good light. He had a way of picking at how we were doing things. He would say, "That's the wrong way to do it" or "you could be doing a better job if..." The worst part would be if there was something that needed to be done and we were hiding out instead. Then we were all in for it.
Our lives at this point for the most part were separate but connected in a way that was miserable for everyone involved but him. I think he was still getting some kind of sick and twisted pleasure by keeping us all miserable, fearful and sad. Maybe he didn't see the scope of his actions.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Just Stand There
Each time he returned there was more strange behavior. More peculiar demands.
He would walk in the door, strip naked on the way to his bed, lay down and yell, "Make me a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich." More of a demand than a request.
He always returned with his laundry. (I never saw him pack a bag to leave but then again I tried not to be around when he was there.) He would say, "Get this done" as he would throw the bag at us on the way to the bedroom. We would gather the clothes he dropped and get the laundry done as fast as possible on the off chance he might leave quicker.
He had me iron stacks of handkerchiefs. Why iron something you plan to shove in your pocket and wipe your nose on? I asked him. I hurt for days afterward.
He decided it would be cheaper and insisted we take our lunch to school. We would make an assembly line constructing a whole weeks worth of lunches and put them in the freezer. Nothing like a very soggy stale PBJ and two soft stale cookies that had been sitting in baggies in the freezer. We had no other choices. There was usually a piece of fruit or some cut up veggies to add to the bag as we walked out the door. Other times I'd wait till I got home to eat. A few times someone stole all the cookies. I suspected him!
He brought me a purple macrame bikini. He wanted me to try it on and model it. I would have no part of it. I had never been allowed to wear a bikini before but I wasn't about to start in front of him. He would surely leer and make me feel dirty. Maybe he would try to take it off. I made an excuse to leave and hid the suit.
He asked when my friends were coming over to swim. I suspected he wanted to be there to watch us through the windows. Once he asked if we ever went skinny dipping. I wondered if he knew most of my friends were guys. I tried never to get in the pool when he was home. If I wouldn't get in the pool while he was swimming he would make me sit on the concrete benches and watch while he was swimming naked. Teasing me the whole time about not going in when it was obviously so hot.
He demanded we rub his feet with lotion and pull off the dry dead skin, gross. He insisted we rub his big fat hairy back as well, equally gross.
One night he and a friend took off with our car. Mom woke up and found it missing. He told her to call the police and report it stolen. She did. After the insurance company settled he admitted it was in his friends garage. They pulled the ignition (easy for him since he had been a repo-man for years) took off parts, towed it away and abandoned it. He told mom if she reported him to the police it would be fraud and he would make sure she was locked up as well since she is the one who made the stolen car report.
He purchased an orange Cadillac with the insurance proceeds while she was in the hospital. He went to the hospital and wanted her to get out of bed so she could see his new purchase. Why so flamboyant a color I'll never know. Mom hated that car. It was a little embarrassing having it parked in our driveway.
He often called us into his room. He would be on the phone and say, "Just a second." If we tried to leave he would set the phone aside, cover it and say, "Where are you going?" If we tried to sit he would say, "Just stand there!" Sometimes we never found out why we were called in. He would forget and send us out after having us standing there for sometimes hours.
His behavior became more and more peculiar each time he returned.
He would walk in the door, strip naked on the way to his bed, lay down and yell, "Make me a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich." More of a demand than a request.
He always returned with his laundry. (I never saw him pack a bag to leave but then again I tried not to be around when he was there.) He would say, "Get this done" as he would throw the bag at us on the way to the bedroom. We would gather the clothes he dropped and get the laundry done as fast as possible on the off chance he might leave quicker.
He had me iron stacks of handkerchiefs. Why iron something you plan to shove in your pocket and wipe your nose on? I asked him. I hurt for days afterward.
He decided it would be cheaper and insisted we take our lunch to school. We would make an assembly line constructing a whole weeks worth of lunches and put them in the freezer. Nothing like a very soggy stale PBJ and two soft stale cookies that had been sitting in baggies in the freezer. We had no other choices. There was usually a piece of fruit or some cut up veggies to add to the bag as we walked out the door. Other times I'd wait till I got home to eat. A few times someone stole all the cookies. I suspected him!
He brought me a purple macrame bikini. He wanted me to try it on and model it. I would have no part of it. I had never been allowed to wear a bikini before but I wasn't about to start in front of him. He would surely leer and make me feel dirty. Maybe he would try to take it off. I made an excuse to leave and hid the suit.
He asked when my friends were coming over to swim. I suspected he wanted to be there to watch us through the windows. Once he asked if we ever went skinny dipping. I wondered if he knew most of my friends were guys. I tried never to get in the pool when he was home. If I wouldn't get in the pool while he was swimming he would make me sit on the concrete benches and watch while he was swimming naked. Teasing me the whole time about not going in when it was obviously so hot.
He demanded we rub his feet with lotion and pull off the dry dead skin, gross. He insisted we rub his big fat hairy back as well, equally gross.
One night he and a friend took off with our car. Mom woke up and found it missing. He told her to call the police and report it stolen. She did. After the insurance company settled he admitted it was in his friends garage. They pulled the ignition (easy for him since he had been a repo-man for years) took off parts, towed it away and abandoned it. He told mom if she reported him to the police it would be fraud and he would make sure she was locked up as well since she is the one who made the stolen car report.
He purchased an orange Cadillac with the insurance proceeds while she was in the hospital. He went to the hospital and wanted her to get out of bed so she could see his new purchase. Why so flamboyant a color I'll never know. Mom hated that car. It was a little embarrassing having it parked in our driveway.
He often called us into his room. He would be on the phone and say, "Just a second." If we tried to leave he would set the phone aside, cover it and say, "Where are you going?" If we tried to sit he would say, "Just stand there!" Sometimes we never found out why we were called in. He would forget and send us out after having us standing there for sometimes hours.
His behavior became more and more peculiar each time he returned.
Monday, August 17, 2009
His Time Away Increased
With each week that passed his time away increased. With each absent day hope that he would stay away longer increased. For so many years our family had been between a really big ugly rock and an even uglier hard place. He wouldn't leave us and Mom couldn't leave him after all the threats he made. He said straight up he would make sure she never saw us again. He would take us away, across the boarder where we would never be found. Sometimes threatening to kill her or us. I heard the warnings and I believed him. I'm sure Mom did too because she never left.
This voluntary absence of his was like a refreshing gift with sharp edges. Moments in time we could let our guard down and be ourselves. Days we could look back on and remember with a kind of gratitude for the solace. I can't say it was a time without fear. It was difficult to know when he might return and what mood he would be in when he got back. We never let our guard down long enough to truly enjoy the time. I longed for a time when we could be ourselves without the sharp edge of fear invading otherwise peaceful moments.
This voluntary absence of his was like a refreshing gift with sharp edges. Moments in time we could let our guard down and be ourselves. Days we could look back on and remember with a kind of gratitude for the solace. I can't say it was a time without fear. It was difficult to know when he might return and what mood he would be in when he got back. We never let our guard down long enough to truly enjoy the time. I longed for a time when we could be ourselves without the sharp edge of fear invading otherwise peaceful moments.
My memories
I saw her fly against the wall, heard the sickening crunch and watched as she slid to the shag carpet lifeless and small. He sat on the floor next to her, pulled her on to his lap and gently cradled her in his arms. For a moment I thought I saw a glimpse of remorse or had I only imagined it. She looked so tiny and helpless in his arms. She wasn't bleeding. Was she breathing? I couldn't tell. Help arrived and he ordered them away. Who had called them? Why did they leave? They just left her there!
After my sister began to stir he got crazier than ever. He blamed her for bringing attention to his violence. He kicked her out of the house and told her not to return. Mom hugged her and told her to go to the backyard and wait. A while later he was settled in the den in front of the TV half asleep. Mom went to the back door to find her as she lay huddled cold and scared in a chair. Mom went in and made sure he didn't notice the sound of the door over the TV as my sister crept into her room. Grabbing a pillow and blanket she lay hidden on the floor shivering behind her bed. We couldn't comfort her, I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay but I couldn't. I didn't know if anything was ever going to be okay. Worse would be if he were to notice we were both missing. He would search for us. If he found us with her in the house things would have gotten worse.
As I write these memories I am reminded that they are my memories of events of that night. My mother, brother and sister may have very different memories of the same event but I don't care. My sister would tell you my mother never protected us. She has even told people my mother was abusive too. Mom did protect us. At times putting herself in great peril. Mom asked for help to escape his abuse and was advised to keep the family together and to do her wifely duties.
Years later I asked my father about that night. I had always wondered why he didn't let the paramedics check her out as she lay unconscious in his arms and he said the event never happened. He said he would never have hurt any of us like that. Hours after his denial that he had ever hurt any of us he claimed that hitting us wasn't abuse. It was okay to beat your children. "I was beaten and it never hurt me" he said. I have no idea if he was beaten or not. I am certain he had to lie to himself over and over in order to live with himself. Surely he needed to do something to bury the guilt or how could he have ever lived with himself. Was he evil enough that the acts he committed didn't cause him to lay awake at night unable to sleep? Did he ever waste a minute of his pitiful life in remorse or regret?
A few days ago my mother and I were talking about his abusive ways and she remembered this event. Her memories were very close to my own except my strongest memory is of my sisters lifeless body in his arms and later her huddled and shivering on the floor with nobody to rub warmth into her limbs or give her the comfort she needed. Moms strongest memories of that night were of standing between them when the fight began and him breaking her nose yet again. She worried that night about my sister after he tossed her out fearing she would come to harm by somebody other than my father before she could safely get her safely back in the house.
I find it interesting that nobody can remember who called the paramedics that night. Mom forgot my sister was out cold and thought it was her. I thought it was Mom. Maybe it was a neighbor or my brother or maybe my sister had called before he hurt her sensing it would be very bad! Perhaps one of us blocked it out fearing he would know who called!
My sister kept well hidden until the next day when he left again. Days later when he returned I don't remember him making the big fuss I feared he would when he saw her in the house. I thought we were all in for it for sure. Could he have silenced all of us? Would it have even been possible for him to make us all disappear?
As I think back to my fathers lack of memory and his half admissions I wonder if that is why my sister and I never agree on how things were. Have her memories changed to help her cope with the pain?
By the time this event happened I was in the habit of pulling out my book and writing about all the big things. That event was a really bad one. I thought my sister would die that night. Either from the injuries he inflicted after he knocked her out or from someone or something while she was outside in the night or even from the cold. My memories were written in my book and because they were I feel they are truer than those of my mom or sister. Or maybe they are truer to me because they are remembered from my perspective.
After my sister began to stir he got crazier than ever. He blamed her for bringing attention to his violence. He kicked her out of the house and told her not to return. Mom hugged her and told her to go to the backyard and wait. A while later he was settled in the den in front of the TV half asleep. Mom went to the back door to find her as she lay huddled cold and scared in a chair. Mom went in and made sure he didn't notice the sound of the door over the TV as my sister crept into her room. Grabbing a pillow and blanket she lay hidden on the floor shivering behind her bed. We couldn't comfort her, I wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay but I couldn't. I didn't know if anything was ever going to be okay. Worse would be if he were to notice we were both missing. He would search for us. If he found us with her in the house things would have gotten worse.
As I write these memories I am reminded that they are my memories of events of that night. My mother, brother and sister may have very different memories of the same event but I don't care. My sister would tell you my mother never protected us. She has even told people my mother was abusive too. Mom did protect us. At times putting herself in great peril. Mom asked for help to escape his abuse and was advised to keep the family together and to do her wifely duties.
Years later I asked my father about that night. I had always wondered why he didn't let the paramedics check her out as she lay unconscious in his arms and he said the event never happened. He said he would never have hurt any of us like that. Hours after his denial that he had ever hurt any of us he claimed that hitting us wasn't abuse. It was okay to beat your children. "I was beaten and it never hurt me" he said. I have no idea if he was beaten or not. I am certain he had to lie to himself over and over in order to live with himself. Surely he needed to do something to bury the guilt or how could he have ever lived with himself. Was he evil enough that the acts he committed didn't cause him to lay awake at night unable to sleep? Did he ever waste a minute of his pitiful life in remorse or regret?
A few days ago my mother and I were talking about his abusive ways and she remembered this event. Her memories were very close to my own except my strongest memory is of my sisters lifeless body in his arms and later her huddled and shivering on the floor with nobody to rub warmth into her limbs or give her the comfort she needed. Moms strongest memories of that night were of standing between them when the fight began and him breaking her nose yet again. She worried that night about my sister after he tossed her out fearing she would come to harm by somebody other than my father before she could safely get her safely back in the house.
I find it interesting that nobody can remember who called the paramedics that night. Mom forgot my sister was out cold and thought it was her. I thought it was Mom. Maybe it was a neighbor or my brother or maybe my sister had called before he hurt her sensing it would be very bad! Perhaps one of us blocked it out fearing he would know who called!
My sister kept well hidden until the next day when he left again. Days later when he returned I don't remember him making the big fuss I feared he would when he saw her in the house. I thought we were all in for it for sure. Could he have silenced all of us? Would it have even been possible for him to make us all disappear?
As I think back to my fathers lack of memory and his half admissions I wonder if that is why my sister and I never agree on how things were. Have her memories changed to help her cope with the pain?
By the time this event happened I was in the habit of pulling out my book and writing about all the big things. That event was a really bad one. I thought my sister would die that night. Either from the injuries he inflicted after he knocked her out or from someone or something while she was outside in the night or even from the cold. My memories were written in my book and because they were I feel they are truer than those of my mom or sister. Or maybe they are truer to me because they are remembered from my perspective.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Betrayal
Betrayed is how I felt. I don't know how anyone would have helped me understand. Betrayal is a tough thing to get over. It is kind of hard to admit I felt betrayed.
I knew there were people who should have been there to help, to protect me. I don't know if anyone knew but it seems like someone should have suspected. Mom was so focused on making it through to the next day and trying to protect the first child that when things that happened to the next two they seemingly went unnoticed. I don't blame her. She had a lot on her plate. I had so much going on with me and I was trying to be there for my sister that some of the crap that was happening to my brother went unnoticed by me. Feeling the way I do I hate that I wasn't there to protect him better.
I never thought back then about the impact the things going on with us individually had on us collectively. I now see the damage that was done. The betrayal we all probably felt.
It is hard when you feel like everyone around you had betrayed you. Even when there is no possible way they could have known. It took me a long time to forgive the inaction.
I knew there were people who should have been there to help, to protect me. I don't know if anyone knew but it seems like someone should have suspected. Mom was so focused on making it through to the next day and trying to protect the first child that when things that happened to the next two they seemingly went unnoticed. I don't blame her. She had a lot on her plate. I had so much going on with me and I was trying to be there for my sister that some of the crap that was happening to my brother went unnoticed by me. Feeling the way I do I hate that I wasn't there to protect him better.
I never thought back then about the impact the things going on with us individually had on us collectively. I now see the damage that was done. The betrayal we all probably felt.
It is hard when you feel like everyone around you had betrayed you. Even when there is no possible way they could have known. It took me a long time to forgive the inaction.
Just a Matter of Time
We were loving that he was staying away more and more. However when he returned the incidents of his rage seemed more powerful than ever. The full on violent abuser he had been with my mother turned on all of us. It seemed like no matter what was said or done it was taken as disrespectful in his eyes. We didn't stand a chance against his rage.
I was certain it was just a matter of time before one of us would die at his hand. I prayed I was wrong.
I was certain it was just a matter of time before one of us would die at his hand. I prayed I was wrong.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Guilt is a Heavy Burden
My life had enough misery without adding the burden of guilt. I was getting a guilty pleasure out of the misfortune I was adding to my persecutor's life. Did I have the right to feel pleasure at the misery of another, even if the other was my tormentor?
At first I didn't see the harm in feeling the way I did. At first I was so elated he was getting some of what he gave. The scale was not in my favor but every bit of pain he suffered was a relief to my pain. I could think of nothing else but how I could make his life as miserable as mine.
Then like a big red brick it hit me. I began beating myself up for feeling pleasure I gained from his misery. How could I stoop to that level? How could I become like him? I began to fear I would become him. I vowed I would never to be like him.
It took everything in me but I fought the urge to find revenge. Was real revenge even possible anyway?
Still the guilty burden weighed on me. Holding me down, burying me in deep despair. Even with the guilt I felt the pleasure his pain brought was still there. The thought that I could find pleasure in his pain even with my guilt gave me a new sense of fear. I had an uphill battle on my hands but persevered until I was able to stop the urge to torment my tormentor. I found it impossible to not find a glimmer of happiness at his anguish. I longed to hear he had found pain through means other than my own. I knew if I were to survive I would have to overcome the feeling of pleasure at his pain.
I needed to unload my burden but I again I had nobody to unload on. So I wrote. The guilt held me in it's grip long after I had given up on my revenge. I believe I carried my burden for many years.
At first I didn't see the harm in feeling the way I did. At first I was so elated he was getting some of what he gave. The scale was not in my favor but every bit of pain he suffered was a relief to my pain. I could think of nothing else but how I could make his life as miserable as mine.
Then like a big red brick it hit me. I began beating myself up for feeling pleasure I gained from his misery. How could I stoop to that level? How could I become like him? I began to fear I would become him. I vowed I would never to be like him.
It took everything in me but I fought the urge to find revenge. Was real revenge even possible anyway?
Still the guilty burden weighed on me. Holding me down, burying me in deep despair. Even with the guilt I felt the pleasure his pain brought was still there. The thought that I could find pleasure in his pain even with my guilt gave me a new sense of fear. I had an uphill battle on my hands but persevered until I was able to stop the urge to torment my tormentor. I found it impossible to not find a glimmer of happiness at his anguish. I longed to hear he had found pain through means other than my own. I knew if I were to survive I would have to overcome the feeling of pleasure at his pain.
I needed to unload my burden but I again I had nobody to unload on. So I wrote. The guilt held me in it's grip long after I had given up on my revenge. I believe I carried my burden for many years.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Survival Instincts
When I gave up writing I started to picture in my head the things I wanted. Not just the things I wanted to happen but also the things I wanted to stop happening. I had a clear vision of how things could be. How I believed things should be.
I visualized having peace. Having time without fear. I needed uninterrupted time I could use to figure out who I was. Up until this time in my life I was in survival mode. I knew nothing but survival. There were times when we had fun but even in having fun I was cautious of my surroundings and possible causes of a meltdown. Anything could set him off but some things were certain to set him off every time.
As these visualizations got better, more focused and clear. I began to see opportunities where I had seen none in the past. Opportunities to be proactive in the changes I needed. My fear had always been what helped me survive and now I had more than fear. I discovered I was clever and at times cunning. By cunning mean I found ways to get back at my abuser. Like wetting down the slippery walkway when I knew he would soon be home or taking down important messages wrong. It all seemed innocent at first but I began to feel guilty for feeling good about my hand in his misfortune.
I found out that for me survival was trying escape the place I was in without adding to my misery with guilt.
I visualized having peace. Having time without fear. I needed uninterrupted time I could use to figure out who I was. Up until this time in my life I was in survival mode. I knew nothing but survival. There were times when we had fun but even in having fun I was cautious of my surroundings and possible causes of a meltdown. Anything could set him off but some things were certain to set him off every time.
As these visualizations got better, more focused and clear. I began to see opportunities where I had seen none in the past. Opportunities to be proactive in the changes I needed. My fear had always been what helped me survive and now I had more than fear. I discovered I was clever and at times cunning. By cunning mean I found ways to get back at my abuser. Like wetting down the slippery walkway when I knew he would soon be home or taking down important messages wrong. It all seemed innocent at first but I began to feel guilty for feeling good about my hand in his misfortune.
I found out that for me survival was trying escape the place I was in without adding to my misery with guilt.
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder. I have heard that phrase over and over through the years and until I began to write this blog entry it never occurred to me the double meaning that phrase held for me.
When my grandfather did not move in with us we moved again. At the time I really didn't know why but I am so glad we did. Our new house was big enough to hide in and now there was a bigger yard with things to do outside again. We had a pool, shuffleboard court, in-ground trampoline, and half basketball court. Our driveway had a low half wall that we used as a net for volley ball and tennis. We were never lacking for something to do outside.
The good thing about the new house was not the things to do or the size but the fact that he was not around much. It didn't matter to me where he was but he would leave for days at a time. It seemed like he would come home to have laundry done and then in a day or two leave again. My heart would soar as he walked out the door. I never knew if he would be gone an hour or days but it didn't matter because he was gone.
I found that it was easier to be hide since I had more time to think about it. Sadly when he found us he still found ways to torture us. We tried even harder not to be around when he was around. I had friends to visit and things outside the house to do.
With him gone more I discovered that yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
When my grandfather did not move in with us we moved again. At the time I really didn't know why but I am so glad we did. Our new house was big enough to hide in and now there was a bigger yard with things to do outside again. We had a pool, shuffleboard court, in-ground trampoline, and half basketball court. Our driveway had a low half wall that we used as a net for volley ball and tennis. We were never lacking for something to do outside.
The good thing about the new house was not the things to do or the size but the fact that he was not around much. It didn't matter to me where he was but he would leave for days at a time. It seemed like he would come home to have laundry done and then in a day or two leave again. My heart would soar as he walked out the door. I never knew if he would be gone an hour or days but it didn't matter because he was gone.
I found that it was easier to be hide since I had more time to think about it. Sadly when he found us he still found ways to torture us. We tried even harder not to be around when he was around. I had friends to visit and things outside the house to do.
With him gone more I discovered that yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Suspicions & Fear
When you suspect something may be going on it is hard to confront the situation. Do you make accusations and chance being wrong? Do second guess yourself, turn your back and figure you are wrong? Do you ask the child possibly adding to their confusion and shame? In Mom's case it would have been a especially difficult situation considering his violence and threats toward all of us. When your hands are tied suspicions can quickly turn to paralyzing fear.
Mom and I have had many conversations over the years about the situation we were in when I was a kid. Why she didn't devise some plan to escape? Maybe a shelters in those later years. I found out that when Mom suspected he was molesting my sister she freaked out. She knew in her heart she would need help to leave but didn't know what to do or where to start. She went to a church counselor for help. I am not sure how forthcoming she was with this guy. My mom has a tendency to worry about what others might think and may have held back. One of the reasons for the bug eye glasses was her fear of what people might think. In essence the counselor blamed her. Telling her she wasn't taking care of his needs. That she needed to try harder to please him. The counselor told her not to let him be alone with my sister and to tough it out. He said the most important thing was to keep the family together and do her duty as a wife and mother! I could not disagree more. The idea of being intimate with a man who has been intimate with my child sickens me. He would have lost an appendage if it had been me. Thank the good Lord times have changed since then.
If I had known what Mom was going through maybe I could have told her. If I had come clean would things have been different? I don't think I would have been brave enough to tell her. Could we have been a support for each other? I'm not sure I could have been a support for anyone at the time. Did my sister know Mom was protecting her? I have my doubts because my sister has a great deal of animosity toward Mom. Is it because she has no idea or is it because she thinks Mom could or should have done more? Did my sister know Mom was told to keep the family together? I wish I had known the whole story. Would it have made things different for me. I wish I had been braver. I wish fear wasn't so paralyzing!
Mom and I have had many conversations over the years about the situation we were in when I was a kid. Why she didn't devise some plan to escape? Maybe a shelters in those later years. I found out that when Mom suspected he was molesting my sister she freaked out. She knew in her heart she would need help to leave but didn't know what to do or where to start. She went to a church counselor for help. I am not sure how forthcoming she was with this guy. My mom has a tendency to worry about what others might think and may have held back. One of the reasons for the bug eye glasses was her fear of what people might think. In essence the counselor blamed her. Telling her she wasn't taking care of his needs. That she needed to try harder to please him. The counselor told her not to let him be alone with my sister and to tough it out. He said the most important thing was to keep the family together and do her duty as a wife and mother! I could not disagree more. The idea of being intimate with a man who has been intimate with my child sickens me. He would have lost an appendage if it had been me. Thank the good Lord times have changed since then.
If I had known what Mom was going through maybe I could have told her. If I had come clean would things have been different? I don't think I would have been brave enough to tell her. Could we have been a support for each other? I'm not sure I could have been a support for anyone at the time. Did my sister know Mom was protecting her? I have my doubts because my sister has a great deal of animosity toward Mom. Is it because she has no idea or is it because she thinks Mom could or should have done more? Did my sister know Mom was told to keep the family together? I wish I had known the whole story. Would it have made things different for me. I wish I had been braver. I wish fear wasn't so paralyzing!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
My writing became an obsession
I should have had someone I could tell but with all the fear I felt, I'm not sure I would have told anyone. The fear would paralyze me. I sat in my closet and cried for hours after he'd leave my room. I hid under my bed, laying still and quiet hoping he wouldn't find me. I needed to talk about it.
I became obsessed with writing everything down and drawing the truth of my life. The entries got more and more disturbing until I had a hard time opening the book. Every time I accidentally opened the pages to an earlier writing I'd quickly look away to avoid the fear I felt at seeing them. My stomach would knot, my heart would race and my head would ache. I'd begin the shake and cry. I feared for my life as if the event was happening again and again and as if the acts I dreamed of doing were real. I didn't know what a panic attack was then but I recognized the feeling now.
My sister and I shared a room. Going outside was one of the only places I could be alone. Sometimes I'd sit outside and write and think. There were times I hid my book in the yard for easy access for me and less accessibility for others.
I started putting paperclips on the pages so they wouldn't flip open. In time my book was heavy with several paperclips. I ran out of paper and taped a second book to the first. I was afraid if I tried to hide them both separately I would forget where I put one and someone would be able to find it. I didn't want anyone to see something so personal. If it were found and read I would have to explain why I wrote what I wrote and why I drew what I drew. I slit a small hole in my mattress on the side against the wall and slid it in the hole under the mattress. I feared I'd get in trouble for having a hole in my mattress.
As time went on the writing became a daily thing. My obsession to write was taking over my life. I'd wake up in the night and write, write before I went to bed, I'd often wish I had my book at school and then be grateful I didn't when I thought of actually having it where someone might be able to see it. It was like if I could get things right on paper they would be right in my world as well. I needed healing, my world needed healing and I didn't know how to make that happen. I became so crazed with the idea that I could make things change by writing them down. Then the realization hit that I couldn't change anything by writing it down. I eventually put the book away. Hid it is a place everyone would see and nobody would notice. I began to visualize changes I wanted in my mind instead of writing.For a while I was able to stop writing all together. Eventually I'd pull it out to document the really bad things just to help me keep my sanity. The visualizations were working for me. My obsession with writing faded to a manageable level.
I became obsessed with writing everything down and drawing the truth of my life. The entries got more and more disturbing until I had a hard time opening the book. Every time I accidentally opened the pages to an earlier writing I'd quickly look away to avoid the fear I felt at seeing them. My stomach would knot, my heart would race and my head would ache. I'd begin the shake and cry. I feared for my life as if the event was happening again and again and as if the acts I dreamed of doing were real. I didn't know what a panic attack was then but I recognized the feeling now.
My sister and I shared a room. Going outside was one of the only places I could be alone. Sometimes I'd sit outside and write and think. There were times I hid my book in the yard for easy access for me and less accessibility for others.
I started putting paperclips on the pages so they wouldn't flip open. In time my book was heavy with several paperclips. I ran out of paper and taped a second book to the first. I was afraid if I tried to hide them both separately I would forget where I put one and someone would be able to find it. I didn't want anyone to see something so personal. If it were found and read I would have to explain why I wrote what I wrote and why I drew what I drew. I slit a small hole in my mattress on the side against the wall and slid it in the hole under the mattress. I feared I'd get in trouble for having a hole in my mattress.
As time went on the writing became a daily thing. My obsession to write was taking over my life. I'd wake up in the night and write, write before I went to bed, I'd often wish I had my book at school and then be grateful I didn't when I thought of actually having it where someone might be able to see it. It was like if I could get things right on paper they would be right in my world as well. I needed healing, my world needed healing and I didn't know how to make that happen. I became so crazed with the idea that I could make things change by writing them down. Then the realization hit that I couldn't change anything by writing it down. I eventually put the book away. Hid it is a place everyone would see and nobody would notice. I began to visualize changes I wanted in my mind instead of writing.For a while I was able to stop writing all together. Eventually I'd pull it out to document the really bad things just to help me keep my sanity. The visualizations were working for me. My obsession with writing faded to a manageable level.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Before I understood
Before I understood what molestation was things began to change again. I didn't know why at the time but my mom was always leaving us with family instead of leaving us home alone with him. I'm sure she would never have told these people what he was doing. Would the people who were supposed to be watching us have done more if they knew they were protecting us from our father?
One of those families that watched us was my father's cousins family. His cousin told me how beautiful I was. I was about 9 then. Before long was he began touching me too. He was just the beginning. It was like I had some sort of target that said "molest her, she has nobody to protect her" on my forehead or something. It seemed there were predators everywhere. I wondered if they were after my sister too or if my brother was safe.
Most were distant family members who came to visit. They seemed to always find a way to get me alone and know I had no protection. All of them were on my father's side of the family. Was it genetic or had he told them we were available for the taking?
I began to believe there was something wrong with me. Something that drew these men to me. They all told me I was beautiful. They all told me I was special. I didn't believe any of it. I thought I was ugly and defective. I felt dirty and pathetic. I wrote about every encounter and planned the demise of every predator. I wondered if maybe they were the defective ones. Looking back now I know it wasn't me but at the time I was one step away from ending my own life. The one thing that saved me was the power I felt in writing in my book.
One of those families that watched us was my father's cousins family. His cousin told me how beautiful I was. I was about 9 then. Before long was he began touching me too. He was just the beginning. It was like I had some sort of target that said "molest her, she has nobody to protect her" on my forehead or something. It seemed there were predators everywhere. I wondered if they were after my sister too or if my brother was safe.
Most were distant family members who came to visit. They seemed to always find a way to get me alone and know I had no protection. All of them were on my father's side of the family. Was it genetic or had he told them we were available for the taking?
I began to believe there was something wrong with me. Something that drew these men to me. They all told me I was beautiful. They all told me I was special. I didn't believe any of it. I thought I was ugly and defective. I felt dirty and pathetic. I wrote about every encounter and planned the demise of every predator. I wondered if maybe they were the defective ones. Looking back now I know it wasn't me but at the time I was one step away from ending my own life. The one thing that saved me was the power I felt in writing in my book.
Nobody to tell
I had nobody to tell.
They tell kids today if anyone hurts you or touches you in a private place to tell a teacher or someone in authority like a policeman. They didn't tell us anything like that when I was a kid. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to do it if they had. I was not close to any of my teachers and I didn't trust any of them enough to tell them what was happening. I knew the police would do nothing, because of what they had told my mom when they came the first time. I thought they still couldn't anything. I was too young to know the laws had changed.
When he started touching me I was too young to know what really was going on. All I knew was he humiliated me, embarrassed me and made me think it was my fault. I felt dirty and unworthy of love. I wanted him to stop. My friends would never have understood. How could ever I tell them when I didn't entirely understand what was happening myself? The only thing left to do was write everything down and try to keep away from him.
Until a few years ago I never told Mom what was happening. I was afraid to tell her for many reasons. What if she didn't believe me? What if she confronted him and he hurt or killed her? Who would take care of us? What if she confronted him and he took it out on me? Mom already agonized over not being able to protect us enough. I felt like it would have crushed her to know he had stooped to a new lower level! I had to protect her from that information. I kept writing but I hid my book even better. Always afraid it would be read by someone and I would be judged.
Some time passed and Mom got weird about us being home alone with him. I wondered if she had suspected anything or if she had read my book. She would stay at home with us when he was home or she would drop us off with friends or family. One day I overheard her crying in her room. I didn't know why so I quietly listened as she was talking on the phone. I thought she was talking about me but I was wrong. She was talking about my sister. I don't know who she was talking to that she could confide in. I cried that night wishing I had someone to talk to a more worried than ever that my sister was also being touched.
Eventually I figured out what was happening to me. I felt worse than dirty. I wondered how I could make him stop. He was so big how could I ever overpower him or get the better of him. I decided if I told anyone they would think it was my fault for letting it go on for so long. I wanted to die. I knew nobody who would understand. Nobody who could make him stop.
Although there was nobody to tell I could still vent. There was a place where I wouldn't be judged as long as nobody saw my book so I wrote.
They tell kids today if anyone hurts you or touches you in a private place to tell a teacher or someone in authority like a policeman. They didn't tell us anything like that when I was a kid. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to do it if they had. I was not close to any of my teachers and I didn't trust any of them enough to tell them what was happening. I knew the police would do nothing, because of what they had told my mom when they came the first time. I thought they still couldn't anything. I was too young to know the laws had changed.
When he started touching me I was too young to know what really was going on. All I knew was he humiliated me, embarrassed me and made me think it was my fault. I felt dirty and unworthy of love. I wanted him to stop. My friends would never have understood. How could ever I tell them when I didn't entirely understand what was happening myself? The only thing left to do was write everything down and try to keep away from him.
Until a few years ago I never told Mom what was happening. I was afraid to tell her for many reasons. What if she didn't believe me? What if she confronted him and he hurt or killed her? Who would take care of us? What if she confronted him and he took it out on me? Mom already agonized over not being able to protect us enough. I felt like it would have crushed her to know he had stooped to a new lower level! I had to protect her from that information. I kept writing but I hid my book even better. Always afraid it would be read by someone and I would be judged.
Some time passed and Mom got weird about us being home alone with him. I wondered if she had suspected anything or if she had read my book. She would stay at home with us when he was home or she would drop us off with friends or family. One day I overheard her crying in her room. I didn't know why so I quietly listened as she was talking on the phone. I thought she was talking about me but I was wrong. She was talking about my sister. I don't know who she was talking to that she could confide in. I cried that night wishing I had someone to talk to a more worried than ever that my sister was also being touched.
Eventually I figured out what was happening to me. I felt worse than dirty. I wondered how I could make him stop. He was so big how could I ever overpower him or get the better of him. I decided if I told anyone they would think it was my fault for letting it go on for so long. I wanted to die. I knew nobody who would understand. Nobody who could make him stop.
Although there was nobody to tell I could still vent. There was a place where I wouldn't be judged as long as nobody saw my book so I wrote.
New kinds of trouble
The new house took some getting used to. The only plus side of that house was that in time the scales of good and bad balanced out a little. My father was working nights. He would sleep most of the day and then take off most of the night. It worked out well for us since we didn't see him as much. When we did see him he seemed to be having his own good days. Days that for us meant he wasn't as moody or mean.
The problem started in the summer. We had no place to go and had to stay quiet enough so he could sleep. Having to stay quiet was bad for us. No matter where we played he would be disturbed. I remember spending a lot more time at parks, beaches, the zoo, travel town and museums that summer than any other summer. We spent more time being on his bad side as well. We tried to never be on his bad side. In that house I wrote mostly in the summer.
Things changed at that house, my writings became frequent and darker. Eventually there were new kinds of trouble. I was about 8 when he started looking at me differently. It was like he wasn't seeing me at all but he would stare and ask uncomfortable questions. He would walk into my room when I was changing clothes. He would tell me to go ahead and finishing changing clothes while he watched. He went from being his normal critical, rough and mean self to wanting me to dance for him. He'd ask me to lay on the bed or the couch next to him and take a nap. I was too old for naps so he'd wait till it was close to bed time and try to get me to watch TV with him. I'd go to sleep or wake up with him stroking my arms, back, or legs often with lotion. He made me feel dirty...
The problem started in the summer. We had no place to go and had to stay quiet enough so he could sleep. Having to stay quiet was bad for us. No matter where we played he would be disturbed. I remember spending a lot more time at parks, beaches, the zoo, travel town and museums that summer than any other summer. We spent more time being on his bad side as well. We tried to never be on his bad side. In that house I wrote mostly in the summer.
Things changed at that house, my writings became frequent and darker. Eventually there were new kinds of trouble. I was about 8 when he started looking at me differently. It was like he wasn't seeing me at all but he would stare and ask uncomfortable questions. He would walk into my room when I was changing clothes. He would tell me to go ahead and finishing changing clothes while he watched. He went from being his normal critical, rough and mean self to wanting me to dance for him. He'd ask me to lay on the bed or the couch next to him and take a nap. I was too old for naps so he'd wait till it was close to bed time and try to get me to watch TV with him. I'd go to sleep or wake up with him stroking my arms, back, or legs often with lotion. He made me feel dirty...
Sometimes things don't turn out like you think they will
Every few months I would catalog my feelings in my little book. Over time my entries became more evolved. I could see the drawings getting more detailed. One word here and there became simple sentences, then paragraphs and then pages. Each event appeared more painful and with greater detail than the last. Every plan for the future more detailed.
In 1969 my father's mother passed away. Everything changed that year. My grandfather put my uncle in a home because he didn't think at nearly seventy he could care for him on his own the way my grandmother had. My grandmother had something to prove with my uncle and would never have approved of him going into a home. When he was born she was told he would not make it through the night but he did. They told her to put him in a home (because that is the way they did it back then) or take him home to die. What they didn't know was how strong and determined my grandmother was that he would live and have a quality life too. My grandmother was a woman filled with guilt. She was driving when her father was killed in an accident. When my uncle was born doctors often blamed women for their children having a disability. With her gone though the burden was too great and my grandfather made a plan to move in with us.
We were moving too. We were getting a bigger house that we could all fit in. The big house had three levels and the bottom level had a full bathroom, kitchenette, living area and bedroom. My grandfather was going to live right down stairs!
I remember thinking our father would quit hurting us when my grandfather lived with us. He had never hit us in front of his parents before. They would never have approved. It would be harder for him to get away with the things he did. The plan backfired though.
My grandfather took a fishing trip but came back with a wife. He came back long enough to pack his things. I was so disappointed. I wrote some mean things about this new grandmother who in my eyes was even worse than my father for taking the security of my grandfather away.
I liked our new house but I missed my friends and our yard filled with things to do. Our new house had snakes in the tiny backyard. So we played on the deck, in the front yard and inside more. TV was evolving so there were more things to watch. We eventually made friends with the new neighbors and played kickball or hide and go seek throughout the street. I'd never played hide and go seek outside before. At the old house we always had things to do. At the new house we had to be more creative and had way fewer options.
I think my father was disappointed when my grandfather got married. I'm not sure why. He never gave me the impression he liked his mom and yet it seemed to upset him that his father was doing something to make himself happy. My father took his disappointment in his father out on us. He seemed to get angry at everything. In the end no matter what incident started him off his anger was directed at us. This was a new turn of events that I would loved to have lived without.
The house was bigger. There were more places for him to isolate and torture us. But there were more places to hide from him as well. Sometimes things don't work out like you think they will but you make the best of what you're dealt.
In 1969 my father's mother passed away. Everything changed that year. My grandfather put my uncle in a home because he didn't think at nearly seventy he could care for him on his own the way my grandmother had. My grandmother had something to prove with my uncle and would never have approved of him going into a home. When he was born she was told he would not make it through the night but he did. They told her to put him in a home (because that is the way they did it back then) or take him home to die. What they didn't know was how strong and determined my grandmother was that he would live and have a quality life too. My grandmother was a woman filled with guilt. She was driving when her father was killed in an accident. When my uncle was born doctors often blamed women for their children having a disability. With her gone though the burden was too great and my grandfather made a plan to move in with us.
We were moving too. We were getting a bigger house that we could all fit in. The big house had three levels and the bottom level had a full bathroom, kitchenette, living area and bedroom. My grandfather was going to live right down stairs!
I remember thinking our father would quit hurting us when my grandfather lived with us. He had never hit us in front of his parents before. They would never have approved. It would be harder for him to get away with the things he did. The plan backfired though.
My grandfather took a fishing trip but came back with a wife. He came back long enough to pack his things. I was so disappointed. I wrote some mean things about this new grandmother who in my eyes was even worse than my father for taking the security of my grandfather away.
I liked our new house but I missed my friends and our yard filled with things to do. Our new house had snakes in the tiny backyard. So we played on the deck, in the front yard and inside more. TV was evolving so there were more things to watch. We eventually made friends with the new neighbors and played kickball or hide and go seek throughout the street. I'd never played hide and go seek outside before. At the old house we always had things to do. At the new house we had to be more creative and had way fewer options.
I think my father was disappointed when my grandfather got married. I'm not sure why. He never gave me the impression he liked his mom and yet it seemed to upset him that his father was doing something to make himself happy. My father took his disappointment in his father out on us. He seemed to get angry at everything. In the end no matter what incident started him off his anger was directed at us. This was a new turn of events that I would loved to have lived without.
The house was bigger. There were more places for him to isolate and torture us. But there were more places to hide from him as well. Sometimes things don't work out like you think they will but you make the best of what you're dealt.
She always had bug eyes
In my drawings we were always depicted with tears and frowns. When I drew my mom she was recognizable in a very different way. Mom was always drawn with big bug eyes in my book. It wasn't that her eyes were big. They were normal looking and normal sized but Mom always covered them up. She didn't want people to see. So she would wear the over sized sunglasses to cover the bruises until they healed and the black eyes were gone as well. She wore the over sized glasses to cover the puffiness from all the tears she shed but never realized we saw.
We knew she wore them so nobody could see what he was doing. In a way she hid like us only from the world and not from him.
Mom still has a giant pair from the past. She claims it is because They were expensive ground glass lenses. I've wondered if she still wore them because they were the only ones she had. Or did she think people would notice if she wore the big ones part of the time and normal ones the rest of the time? Or was it that she was afraid someone would see the truth hidden in her eyes? The eyes, those famous windows to the soul. Was she hiding her soul?
Mom still wears her a big pair of sunglasses from the old days. She says she wears them now because of her cataracts. They keep out more of the sun. She claims she likes them but I wonder how much of that might be habit. Thinking about it makes me sad.
We knew she wore them so nobody could see what he was doing. In a way she hid like us only from the world and not from him.
Mom still has a giant pair from the past. She claims it is because They were expensive ground glass lenses. I've wondered if she still wore them because they were the only ones she had. Or did she think people would notice if she wore the big ones part of the time and normal ones the rest of the time? Or was it that she was afraid someone would see the truth hidden in her eyes? The eyes, those famous windows to the soul. Was she hiding her soul?
Mom still wears her a big pair of sunglasses from the old days. She says she wears them now because of her cataracts. They keep out more of the sun. She claims she likes them but I wonder how much of that might be habit. Thinking about it makes me sad.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
In my childhood writings
In my little book I drew pictures of my life. I drew the things I saw and felt. The first few years there were only pictures with a word here and there. I didn't know how to write much yet so I communicated how I could. Eventually I wrote and I drew the events in my life. But I did more. I wrote and drew about what I wanted to do to change the events of my life.
My little book was usually hidden for long periods of time. I was afraid someone would find it. In my mind I thought if someone saw it they might think I was as bad as he was. Maybe they would take me away and lock me up the way I thought things should have been. If they took me away I wouldn't be able to protect my siblings and my mom.
I always dreamed I'd be able to help them get away from him. I thought maybe I could figure out a way to maybe to stop him. At that time I knew the only way to make him stop would be if he died. He said he wasn't going to leave. He threatened to steal us if Mom tried to take us away.
I felt trapped. I felt scared. I had felt hope. My only escape was to write my feelings in my book. Secret feelings that while I wrote them allowed me feel so much better. When i was writing I had the power to formulate a plan to save us. i could be brave for those few moments.
My little book was usually hidden for long periods of time. I was afraid someone would find it. In my mind I thought if someone saw it they might think I was as bad as he was. Maybe they would take me away and lock me up the way I thought things should have been. If they took me away I wouldn't be able to protect my siblings and my mom.
I always dreamed I'd be able to help them get away from him. I thought maybe I could figure out a way to maybe to stop him. At that time I knew the only way to make him stop would be if he died. He said he wasn't going to leave. He threatened to steal us if Mom tried to take us away.
I felt trapped. I felt scared. I had felt hope. My only escape was to write my feelings in my book. Secret feelings that while I wrote them allowed me feel so much better. When i was writing I had the power to formulate a plan to save us. i could be brave for those few moments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)