Survival Instincts

When I gave up writing I started to picture in my head the things I wanted. Not just the things I wanted to happen but also the things I wanted to stop happening. I had a clear vision of how things could be. How I believed things should be.

I visualized having peace. Having time without fear. I needed uninterrupted time I could use to figure out who I was. Up until this time in my life I was in survival mode. I knew nothing but survival. There were times when we had fun but even in having fun I was cautious of my surroundings and possible causes of a meltdown. Anything could set him off but some things were certain to set him off every time.

As these visualizations got better, more focused and clear. I began to see opportunities where I had seen none in the past. Opportunities to be proactive in the changes I needed. My fear had always been what helped me survive and now I had more than fear. I discovered I was clever and at times cunning. By cunning mean I found ways to get back at my abuser. Like wetting down the slippery walkway when I knew he would soon be home or taking down important messages wrong. It all seemed innocent at first but I began to feel guilty for feeling good about my hand in his misfortune.

I found out that for me survival was trying escape the place I was in without adding to my misery with guilt.