In my childhood writings

In my little book I drew pictures of my life. I drew the things I saw and felt. The first few years there were only pictures with a word here and there. I didn't know how to write much yet so I communicated how I could. Eventually I wrote and I drew the events in my life. But I did more. I wrote and drew about what I wanted to do to change the events of my life.

My little book was usually hidden for long periods of time. I was afraid someone would find it. In my mind I thought if someone saw it they might think I was as bad as he was. Maybe they would take me away and lock me up the way I thought things should have been. If they took me away I wouldn't be able to protect my siblings and my mom.

I always dreamed I'd be able to help them get away from him. I thought maybe I could figure out a way to maybe to stop him. At that time I knew the only way to make him stop would be if he died. He said he wasn't going to leave. He threatened to steal us if Mom tried to take us away.

I felt trapped. I felt scared. I had felt hope. My only escape was to write my feelings in my book. Secret feelings that while I wrote them allowed me feel so much better. When i was writing I had the power to formulate a plan to save us. i could be brave for those few moments.