Before I understood

Before I understood what molestation was things began to change again. I didn't know why at the time but my mom was always leaving us with family instead of leaving us home alone with him. I'm sure she would never have told these people what he was doing. Would the people who were supposed to be watching us have done more if they knew they were protecting us from our father?

One of those families that watched us was my father's cousins family. His cousin told me how beautiful I was. I was about 9 then. Before long was he began touching me too. He was just the beginning. It was like I had some sort of target that said "molest her, she has nobody to protect her" on my forehead or something. It seemed there were predators everywhere. I wondered if they were after my sister too or if my brother was safe.

Most were distant family members who came to visit. They seemed to always find a way to get me alone and know I had no protection. All of them were on my father's side of the family. Was it genetic or had he told them we were available for the taking?

I began to believe there was something wrong with me. Something that drew these men to me. They all told me I was beautiful. They all told me I was special. I didn't believe any of it. I thought I was ugly and defective. I felt dirty and pathetic. I wrote about every encounter and planned the demise of every predator. I wondered if maybe they were the defective ones. Looking back now I know it wasn't me but at the time I was one step away from ending my own life. The one thing that saved me was the power I felt in writing in my book.