Sometimes things don't turn out like you think they will

Every few months I would catalog my feelings in my little book. Over time my entries became more evolved. I could see the drawings getting more detailed. One word here and there became simple sentences, then paragraphs and then pages. Each event appeared more painful and with greater detail than the last. Every plan for the future more detailed.

In 1969 my father's mother passed away. Everything changed that year. My grandfather put my uncle in a home because he didn't think at nearly seventy he could care for him on his own the way my grandmother had. My grandmother had something to prove with my uncle and would never have approved of him going into a home. When he was born she was told he would not make it through the night but he did. They told her to put him in a home (because that is the way they did it back then) or take him home to die. What they didn't know was how strong and determined my grandmother was that he would live and have a quality life too. My grandmother was a woman filled with guilt. She was driving when her father was killed in an accident. When my uncle was born doctors often blamed women for their children having a disability. With her gone though the burden was too great and my grandfather made a plan to move in with us.

We were moving too. We were getting a bigger house that we could all fit in. The big house had three levels and the bottom level had a full bathroom, kitchenette, living area and bedroom. My grandfather was going to live right down stairs!

I remember thinking our father would quit hurting us when my grandfather lived with us. He had never hit us in front of his parents before. They would never have approved. It would be harder for him to get away with the things he did. The plan backfired though.

My grandfather took a fishing trip but came back with a wife. He came back long enough to pack his things. I was so disappointed. I wrote some mean things about this new grandmother who in my eyes was even worse than my father for taking the security of my grandfather away.

I liked our new house but I missed my friends and our yard filled with things to do. Our new house had snakes in the tiny backyard. So we played on the deck, in the front yard and inside more. TV was evolving so there were more things to watch. We eventually made friends with the new neighbors and played kickball or hide and go seek throughout the street. I'd never played hide and go seek outside before. At the old house we always had things to do. At the new house we had to be more creative and had way fewer options.

I think my father was disappointed when my grandfather got married. I'm not sure why. He never gave me the impression he liked his mom and yet it seemed to upset him that his father was doing something to make himself happy. My father took his disappointment in his father out on us. He seemed to get angry at everything. In the end no matter what incident started him off his anger was directed at us. This was a new turn of events that I would loved to have lived without.

The house was bigger. There were more places for him to isolate and torture us. But there were more places to hide from him as well. Sometimes things don't work out like you think they will but you make the best of what you're dealt.