Suspicions & Fear

When you suspect something may be going on it is hard to confront the situation. Do you make accusations and chance being wrong? Do second guess yourself, turn your back and figure you are wrong? Do you ask the child possibly adding to their confusion and shame? In Mom's case it would have been a especially difficult situation considering his violence and threats toward all of us. When your hands are tied suspicions can quickly turn to paralyzing fear.

Mom and I have had many conversations over the years about the situation we were in when I was a kid. Why she didn't devise some plan to escape? Maybe a shelters in those later years. I found out that when Mom suspected he was molesting my sister she freaked out. She knew in her heart she would need help to leave but didn't know what to do or where to start. She went to a church counselor for help. I am not sure how forthcoming she was with this guy. My mom has a tendency to worry about what others might think and may have held back. One of the reasons for the bug eye glasses was her fear of what people might think. In essence the counselor blamed her. Telling her she wasn't taking care of his needs. That she needed to try harder to please him. The counselor told her not to let him be alone with my sister and to tough it out. He said the most important thing was to keep the family together and do her duty as a wife and mother! I could not disagree more. The idea of being intimate with a man who has been intimate with my child sickens me. He would have lost an appendage if it had been me. Thank the good Lord times have changed since then.

If I had known what Mom was going through maybe I could have told her. If I had come clean would things have been different? I don't think I would have been brave enough to tell her. Could we have been a support for each other? I'm not sure I could have been a support for anyone at the time. Did my sister know Mom was protecting her? I have my doubts because my sister has a great deal of animosity toward Mom. Is it because she has no idea or is it because she thinks Mom could or should have done more? Did my sister know Mom was told to keep the family together? I wish I had known the whole story. Would it have made things different for me. I wish I had been braver. I wish fear wasn't so paralyzing!